Cartoon Crapola – The Golden Rhino

Finally, a second installment in the Cartoon Shittery series. Frankly, I’m not sure there’s any topping this. This 10-minute cartoon is one of the best things I’ve ever experienced, to be perfectly hyperbolic. Rhino made two experiences in the 1967 Spider-Man series (“Horn Of The Rhino” and this, respectively) and a third in an episode which was nothing more than an amalgamation of the two, in which I’m not sure he spoke. In “Horn Of The Rhino” (a rare full-length 22-minute episode) he gathers several components of a vaguely dangerous cube that apparently makes him the most powerful man in the world. As I recall, he’s successful, but Spider-Man smacks him one and arrests him… in webs! AHAHAHA. “The Golden Rhino” sees him far less ambitious- he’s collecting gold, smelting it into a life size statue of himself, which he justifies in the episode’s course.

Things to note about the episode and SM’67:

First off, as Spider-Man, Paul Soles sounds like he’s about 50. Peter Parker is a fucking teenager.

The guy playing Rhino has such a great voice they used him for several other villains. Of note are his laugh and any line he has about gold.

Look out for any animation of The Rhino’s face for amusement, and moreso any shot of him running. Absolutely priceless.

Rhino’s glee at Spider-Man’s apparent death is so incredibly childish, with this hands on his chest and that quite adorable chuckle.

I love how during the second fight, plowing into the fish shop doesn’t slow Rhino down one bit.

Spider-Man’s line ‘sorry, but I’ve got a date with a rhino” is a dig at the cop on the left, who at the time was dating Kirstie Alley.

The angle of his hands at 6:36 is super camp.

Absorb the score- SM’67 is often remembered (sometimes solely) for its iconic theme music, but the swingin’ scores that filled the episodes are worthy of much praise. It’s long been a wish of mine to have these isolated, cleaned up and released for my aural savour.

Cartoon mistakes  (or sheer ignorance) are the main reason for watching old shows, and they’re something of an abundance here, from the crate that makes its own way into the truck at the beginning to the exterior shot of the warehouse at 2:25 with a beam of light piercing the night sky like it never actually would.  Ten seconds later, Rhino’s left foot can be seen overlapping something that, perspective-wise, should be behind him, and Spider-Man’s web stops dead in mid-swing when he’s alerted to Rhino’s break-in. Each episode is filled with this sort of junk, so seek ’em out if you’re a crap animation fan.

Spider-Man webbing the lassoo is about the stupidest thing you’ll ever see. He does it all the time.

Given that his head barely fits through that manhole cover, it’s implausible that Rhino’s ever getting out that way.

Perhaps best of all, physics and gravity take a holiday at 8:15. Enjoy:

If you enjoy it, might I recommend “Return Of The Flying Dutchman”, “Diet Of Destruction” and particularly “Farewell Performance”

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