Gems From The Blue Book and Beyond

Gems From The Blue Book and Beyond

Back when I re-uploaded Gems From The Black Folder I promised a sequel, didn’t I? Well, not long after The Black Folder was retired, an all-purpose Blue Book was employed by yours truly to act as canvas for some of my greatest work. Instead, I mostly wrote really boring lists that I don’t even understand anymore and tore out a lot of pages for reasons I cannot recall. Still, there’s some goodness in there, so the time to get it online has come. Because it’s about a tenth of the depth of its Ebon Progenitor (that doesn’t mean what I think it means), I’ve padded the gallery out with other doodles, sketches and scribblings by anyone who was kind enough to not know I was scanning and publishing them on the Internet. Cast down your eyes, ye men and women, and accept into ye my art devine.

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Gallery The Third

Another batch of orphaned photos on my hard drive, so lookit:

Another Gallery

Here is another one. It is good and it seems people and the world they live in are silly things.

A Gallery

Some great (and some less than great images) I’ve encountered lately, or even as far back as way long ago. First off, this wins the prize for best Facebook comment written by a human ever:

4CPPL

Keeping with the wrestling theme, here’s a sign courtesy of an idiot:

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Actually, I suck. That’s the work of a master of composition, scale and simplicity. Where anyone else would maybe have thrown a ‘McMahon’ on there, anonymous pause-face just leaves it at ‘Vince’. Maybe that’s the whole point. Maybe the idea is that Taker can bary whichever the fuck Vince he wants.

Next, the wonder of specificity:

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Note that I climbed those 162 steps in favour of sharing a lift with a sweating, smoking (and thus law-breaking) Liverpudlian and it damn near killed me.

Time for some Poundland Toys Brilliance, methinks:

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Road Big. ROAD BIG.

I took this shot but never uploaded it, but it is dead dead clever and now that I look back at it you can see the cobwebs, so it was alllll worthwhile:

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Geddit?! I am best.

Here’s my buddy White Cat:

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Another Poundland masterpiece:

ETNA3G

It warms my heart that the 90’s live on upon the shelves at Asda:

ETNA3G

Warms my cockles and tickles my frockles, even. Getting back to wrestling for a spell, here are presented WWE champ CM Punk and The Green Ranger because I can:

oB4Tu

And lets end things on a related note and calling back to my joy from last week at the return of Fit Finlay with a shot of Fit Finlay in a tracksuit with a mustache on a horse holding a rifle:

LlXn1

Gems From The Black Folder

Gems From The Black Folder

***Update – This article’s sequel, Gems From The Blue Book And Beyond, is now available for viewing***

I have this great big black folder fulla junk, scrawled and scribbled and sketched, from when I was at school and a couple of jobs. Basically, it’s a great big stack of pictures, most of which were knocked out in as quick a manner as possible. Some of the pictures are by others and are credited as such. This page is a pretty solid insight into my sense of humour, too, so if you want to sell a script to BBC3 under my name a) rip this type of stuff off and b) fuck you buddy. Oh, and obviously if you click the images you can see them at a more appropriate size.

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Gallery Speciale: Stupidite D’Angleterre

Photos of stupid things, to follow. Feel free to play this AWESOME Prodigy B-Side while you look at them.

94% is not flawless…

I accept that this is inaccurate simply because “sad man in a robe” isn’t as snappy as “corpse” at Hallowe’en, and anyone who’s ever lived with a crocodile (or IN a crocodile) knows ya gotsta be snappy at Hallowe’en.

Gory what? Gory WHAT? GORY WHAT?

This pun’d shirt is fine in English Asdae, but if you wore it in the south of Ireland people would think you were a gypsy with learning difficulties.

I’m just really tickled by the proximity of HIS title for HIS book “My Life As The World’s Most Outrageous Celebrity Photographer” and the quote “He’s completely outrageous!” just underneath, just to hammer home that he is INDEED outrageous. Plus, mate, you’re a photographer, it doesn’t matter how outrageous you are because you’re not IN the pictures.

Some boredom from just before I left home. NO WAIT, it’s from that time my kitchen took the afternoon off…in The Twilight Zone.

Up next, some crap toys from England’s Poundlands:

There isn’t even an alien on the dartboard!

If the ‘new style’ in anti-terrorist coppery is indeed blue magnum handguns and handcuffs, SIGN ME UP, the government.

Robot-Into-Car is the gaudiest of these Transrobo rip-offs I’ve seen so far. Also, I really like the term ‘rip-off’.

Ahhh, such sweet, sweet nonsense. The ‘your best choice’ is my favourite part.

I’d sooner associate lightning with speed, if it’s alright with you.

“It was about this big”. Alternate, superior caption- “I am a dinosaur”.

That’s fine, berries ARE scented, I guess.

I would have thought all berries were wild inasmuch none of them live with humans in a state of domesticity, but I’ll let you away with it…

Heck, I nearly bought this one…

Right, I’ll give it to you, the Ocean does have a distinct scent, though it’s considerably saltier than what this candle smells like…

Fuck off. You can fuck right off.

MIDNIGHT DOES NOT HAVE A SCENT! IT’S A TIME!

Though note, if you like, that this candle smelled exactly like a fucking Poundstretcher.

Have YOU got a VHF side, goes the popular ad. Rumour has it the Elephant Man was handed one of these when enquiring about video tapes and got right pissed up. Note: VHF is an anagram for viral haemorrhagic fever.

As ever, best for last, and HOW I wish I’d looked inside THE

Thanks guys, see ya soon.

Dungannon Fine Art

Taking inspiration, no doubt, from the reams of kids’ pictures that line the windows of Tescos, the local louts have claimed the fence outside as their own with a largely phallic feast for the eyes:

A twofer there.

A tasteful, almost-imperceptible green member there.

This one kinda has a second crown coming out of the tip of it. What twisted specimen dreamed this up? (What twisted specimen photographed the lot as family after family passed by, months and months ago?)

I like to think there’s a race war on the go here.

It’s not ALL cocks though, there’s only so much space. Enjoy now an UNFOUNDED claim (which, coincidentally, is also scrawled, or rather etched on the electricity box outside our house):

Now that I think about it, that’s either the work of a literal motherfucker or a satisfied dyslexic Catholic.

Some braggadocio:

I thought I’d close with Dungannon Cinema’s disturbing Woody from Toy Story. He’s seen better days. It is just me or does it look like he’s reaching for something that no child should ever imagine Woody reaching for…?

A Bevy Of Misleading Covers

Two notes on that title – I’ve been fond of the word ‘bevy’ , defined uselessly and vaguely by the dictionary as “A large group of people or things of a particular kind”, since Goldar used it as a collective noun in Power Rangers long ago, and as I’m sure I’ve mentioned here before I thought until summer of last year that ‘misled’ was an entirely separate word from what it actually means, and was pronounced “my-sild” and referred to generally being swindled by misinformation. I still have trouble reading it as ‘mis-led’, in the same way that ever since I became aware of the two-syllable pronunciation of the name Charles I always read that as Char-liss, which is hard when you live with one (the best one ever, I might add).

Wasn’t it Ken Dodd who once said “never judge a book by its cover”? On that flimsy-at-best comedy introduction I bring you this collection of 10 or so (it’s not like I’ll edit this when I’m done) covers that aren’t entirely representative of their contents.

1: Amazing Fantasy #15, 1962

As much of a comics legend as Jack Kirby is, I’m not sure he actually looked at Steve Ditko’s art for the original appearance of Spider-Man, let alone read Stan The Man’s script. Look at him: he’s LITERALLY a man in that picture, and not just a grown man (like, technically, a 19 year old, in the same way that the news would describe “a 19-year old man” for having been arrested in Letterkenny for daubing ‘Free State Rulz OK’ on a wall) but a big old fat man like a 1960s wrestler or a well-fed and prone-to-domestic-violence dad. Not only that, and this is on a more pedantic note, but Spidey doesn’t swing around with any fuck ugly criminals under his right arm, eevur. Kirby’s estate (not where he lives, of course) recently sued Marvel for rights to Spider-Man as well as some others but lost the case. I’m not sure creating one cover (and alright, that one section in ASM #8 or so where Spider-Man gets jealous of the Human Torch’s party at the beach and decides to show off- not a joke) was enough grounds to stake a claim for one of the most popular characters ever, Kirby Family. You can wise up sure.

2: Helloween’s Keeper Of The Seven Keys Part II, 1988

Play.com sent me a copy of this when I ordered Rush’s Moving Pictures in 2008 and I still have it sitting around the house somewhere. You’d think to look at that sweet fantasy artwork on there that it’d contain some sort of curiously-structured keyboard-supplemented metal about bad lads in caves and maybe a caretaker with seven or more keys that he uses to open doors and things: but doors to HELL! OWEEN! Instead, it’s a blathly (new word) produced heavy rock album with song titles like “We Got The Right” and “Dr. Stein”. I suspect the ‘Franken’ got lost in the band members’ big stupid hairs.

3: A Room For Romeo Brass, DVD Cover, 2000

There is no part of Romeo Brass that concerns either extensively or in small measure a big blue pair of pants. For the most part it’s a hard-going drama with a sprinkling of massive comedy. I think there’s one scene in it where someone is wearing pants, though, so now that I think of it I can see why they chose to promote it this way rather than with a shot of the cast or something maybe. Yeah. I feel so stupid now. No, I do not, actually, as this is the stupidest DVD cover ever. Were they trying to market it to comedy-lovers, somehow? Maybe fashionistas? Who knows…

4: Star Wars Poster, Russia, ????

Why’s it misleading? BECAUSE DARTH VADER’S NOT A BIG CAT MADE OF LIGHTSABERS YA STUPID RUSSIANS! Particularly amusing are the 7-year-old’s interpretations of the main cast dotted around the borders. What’s that, you want some more? OBLIGED!

5: POWROT JEDI, 1983

A poster I’ve loved for so long that I simply refer to it as Powrot Jedi. If you’ve seen Return Of The Jedi (for which it in fact is in promotion of), you’ll know why it’s inaccurate. If you’ve not, you probably still know that Darth Vader’s head doesn’t explode, and is not made of camera components. The red on the costume drives the pedant in me mental, too.

6-8: Just about any Superman issue from the 1950s, Various

DC often employed a sales tactic whereby the covers of their comics featured their characters behaving in completely irrational (and often outright fuckish) behaviour as a means of capturing interest so people would buy and read their comics. The absolutely fabulous Superdickery is devoted to these (as well as those examples of stupidy from other companies and eras) and is well worth sinking hours into. Here’s a few I’ve picked out to illustrate the point and inch ever closer to the finishing line (of this entry which was in fact, faithful reader, begun a month ago):

Now what I love about this image is the impression you get that Superman’s just burst his way into the room without any preparation to lambast his lady loves in a metaphysical onslaught that you just KNOW won’t be followed up on inside. And why was he in the stock room? Surely is he was revealing his true identity to his “stupid” suitors he wouldn’t feel the need to go into a cupboard to change outfits. Jesus I just got a phantom smell of Windolene there, lovely stuff.

Another one from the absolutely classic series ‘Superman’s Girl Friend Lois Lane’ (whose covers collected in a single massive hardback coffee table book would make for the greatest comedy collection ever published), only THIS time he’s  murdering Lois (and in outer space, no less: “no witnesses”) for NOT marrying him. Talk about an absolute thundering cockwagon. LOOK out how happy he is! He’s not angry at her for not marrying him, no, he’s fucking DELIGHTED that it means he gets a chance to kill her in outer space (“no witnesses”). Just before we move onto another comics art classic I want you to see this incredible inner panel for which I offer no context or commentary:

Where were we?

Now, this one’s misleading on a purely spiteful level, inasmuch as it presents one thing on the cover and totally contradicts it…on the rest of the cover. “The Vampire World” is not a planet run by fang’d Victorian gentlemen (imagine: a predatory ruling aristocracy in space (where there are no witnesses)) but in fact a big (but not that big, and certainly not enough so to be called a ‘world’) green thing with tentacles. I’d have given any newsstand vendor who stocked this a dirty look back in the day.

9: Anita Blake The Laughing Corpse #1, 2004

Comics seems to be the way to go here but this’ll be the last example honest: I actually only just discovered this one myself, but it’s an instant winner:

Not sure why? Take a gander ‘neath the ‘Mature Content’ tag in the top left corner. ‘Nuff said, Marvelites. And finally…

10: Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty, 2001

The one that Hideo, god bless him, went all out for. No, this is not the work of some hack marketer who’s not seen the product but the twisted machinations of a genius bastard who managed to hide that the bulk of the game would see cover-star and gaming icon Solid Snake relegated to the sidelines in favour of not-so-fan-favourite Raiden (who I’m a big fan of, by the way). Not content with Snake’s dominance of the front cover, he also appears solo on the back, in the demo and in ALL the promotional material for the game dating as far back as 1999. I was unaware that he was only playable for the first hour or so until’s played that hour. Props to Hideo for managing to control a secret right up until release then. As a treat, here’s his mental Twitter page