The Postman Cometh – Club Nintendo Super Mario 3D World Soundtrack

The Postman Cometh – Club Nintendo Super Mario 3D World Soundtrack

I’d like to do this semi-regularly, because I’ve often spent ages trawling the Internet for detailed photodocumentation (!) of things I’m interested in buying, and I may as well be the one to do it in case anyone else is similarly interested. Postie brought my Super Mario 3D World soundtrack a few days ago, which, for the first time in my life, I’d actually earned with legitimately-procured Nintendo Points and not from those I’d nabbed from pre-owned titles in Game. It took long enough to come that I forgot about ordering it, but seems to have been posted from somewheres in England unlike the statues and such I’ve gotten before which came from Germany.

Anyway! Enough context! Let the photodocumentation (!) begin!

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Metal Gear Milestone

Close to ten years on from its original release, today I finally completed each and every VR mission in Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance. As I was playing the PS3 version, I was also awarded a trophy for my troubles. Lovely.

In terms of the ol’ trophy huntin’, finishing the main game on its extreme difficulty’s the last one left before I can net the Platinum I set about chasing ’round about this time last year. I also earned Snake Eater’s Plat earlier this week, in addition to accomplishing absolutely nothing that in any way enriches my life in any sense but the spiritual.

That spiritual sense, though, is waving a big fat finger in Substance’s VR missions’ general direction. Screw you, MGS1 Snake Variety Missions 1 & 3. Never again!

Badlands: The Worst Five Areas In Videogames

Badlands: The Worst Five Areas In Videogames

You know what, I don’t play a whole bunch of games, OK, so anytime I do a post about gaming it’s likely to cover different facets of the same ground, like some obsessed cartographer cataloging the reasons why each and every blade of grass, crescent of rocks or cow-chowed fencepost is worthy of praise. In this case, I’m not so much concerned with praise as outright condemnation for my five least favourite areas (to continue my hackneyed abuse of metaphor) I’ve ever traversed digitally from the comfort of my own home. Everyone, I’m sure (I’ve not checked), has areas they hate to replay in even their favourite games, and I thought it was about time I got this offa my chest. Further ado we can do without…

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Rambleast Reprints: Game Gumbo

Rambleast Reprints: Game Gumbo

As part of my ongoing efforts to clean out the inner workings of this blog, I’ve deleted all of the pages that aren’t linked to on the left, but I liked some of the writing on theĀ Games & MeĀ page I used to maintain, so I’ve reprinted below what I thought of God Of War Collection Volume 2, Resident Evil: Code Veronica, Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil 5, without much change to the text which might explain if at times it feels like part of a larger body of work.

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Sub-Zero: Spiteful Jerk

There’s an episode of Malcolm In The Middle where Walter tells Malcolm In The Middle or one of his other equally shit sons not to lie and that “no-one beats Sub-Zero”. Though on the face of it this seems like a throwaway reference to probably the most recognizable character from that particular franchise in a cheap bid to get laughs (like saying “Malcolm, your shit older brother is angrier than… the Incredible Hulk” or “Hot wife, calm down, all I said was that that you’re hardly the next… Seinfeld. Your joke was awful”) but I’m almost (but not completely) willing to give the writers of Malcolm In The Middle the benefit of doubt because it’s motherfucking true: I’ve just gone on a nostalgic rampage and downloaded Mortal Kombat 1-3 on my PS3 and I played all three until I reached…Sub-Zero. And this is not the first time I’ve encountered this problem, either.

Years ago, before you knew me, I dazzled friend and foe alike with my feats of Herculean strength when it came to Mortal Kombat. I beat the highest level on Test Your Might, I beat GORO, I even [got to and then failed to beat] Shang Tsung. But I never beat Sub-Zero. Even when you’re playing as Sub-Zero, you have to fight a slightly different shade of blue Sub-Zero and he still stomps and mudhole in ya and walks it dry. This motherfucker’s like some cruel developer in-joke, possibly created with the advantage of a time machine having seen the impact the Malcolm In The Middle gag would one day have on the world. He can’t be beat. Can’t be done. I say this without any exaggeration whatsoever – no-one has ever beaten Sub-Zero in Mortal Kombat, ever. Not one actual human ever. Not Ed Boon, not John Tobias, not anyone. The game has literally never been finished. Not even Scorpion, hell, the reason Scorpion IS Scorpion is because Sub-Zero slapped the fucking shite out of him until he died and became a fucking skeleton man. Fuck fuck fuck. Worst thing is, it was the shitty ‘army’ Sub-Zero that beat me in 3 and all, not awesome blue ninja Sub-Zero. Didn’t even freeze me, either, just ran straight up to me and kicked my face clean off my head and body. No player of Mortal Kombat has ever truthfully earned the right to say “Now: PLAIN ZERO”, cause they always get they ass frozen and shattered into a million crying pieces.

I’m not prepared to concede a ‘well done – the thing you said is not incorrect’ to Malcolm In The Middle on the ground that he wasn’t even IN the middle until the baby was born in season whatever and that I’ll hate that show forever, but someone – Walter White, or Tim Whatley, or someone… Someone out there shares my pain and thought enough of it to spread the message across the faces of fans of awful awful comedy shows.

I also downloaded Cool Boarders 2 (“Cool Boarders” is the least cool name ever) and quit when that infuriating commentary guy kept making fun of me for landing on my head (which I did seven times) and Gex 3D: Enter The Gecko in which Leslie Philips says tons and tons of things that make no sense to a child whatsoever and seem to stem from some sort of Hollywood Club mentality that doesn’t fit a little media-savvy gecko at all. Him being replaced by Cat from Red Dwarf in the sequel confuses matters even more.

Final Fantasy VII was the last of the four. I’ve not dipped into this yet (as in ever) but I’m looking forward to hopping on the bandwagon, what, 15 years later? I’m away now to gloat as a melt all our ice cubes in the back garden sun.